I urge you to run the other way. Sure, it looks nice and appealing with its bright colors and scrumptiously pictured veggie pepperoni and cheese-stuffed pockets. You see the little "Vegan" label on the bottom and you think "OMG! Could this be? They've come out with a vegan version of Hot Pockets!"
Your mouth might be agape with joy at the thought of being able to enjoy the über-popular American snack that is mercilessly off-limits to vegans and even vegetarians. So after staring at the delicious-looking box in disbelief for a few moments, you happily toss it into your cart or basket, giddy and excited to buy this product and get it home to cook one up. But remember - all that glitters is not gold. In this case, it's more like a sack of vegan coal.
I eagerly got the Tofurky Pockets home, opened up the box and placed one of the foil-wrapped pockets in the microwave as per back instructions. As it cooked, I left the kitchen to do something, but after a minute or so I noticed a strange, sharp odor permeating the air. I immediately felt fearful. Please, I thought, do not let that smell be coming from the food. I have had too many bad vegan product experiences to count, and usually the first sign something is wrong is a weird smell from the microwave. The bell beeped. I trepidly opened the door and confirmed my worst fears- yes, the cooked pocket smelled like a melting power plant. But it's okay, I tried to assure myself. It's always the taste that matters most. I pulled back the foil to see a pale, sandy-brown pocket sitting there, looking rather weak and reluctant to be eaten. Taking a deep breath, I pulled 2 inches off of the crusty brown edge, and took a hopeful bite. It was even worse than I imagined.
The cheese that looked like it was pouring so bountifully out the middle of the pocket on the box was actually a thin, gluey half non-existent layer, with a lot of it stuck to the insides. And it sure as hell didn't taste like any cheese I'd ever eaten. The "pepperoni" was actually cubed chunks of inedible - and I mean inedible - dog-food grade artificially colored textured soy sh*t with no discernible flavor or taste except nasty. The breaded pockets themselves reeked a very strange plastic-y smell, like the foil wrapper partially leached aluminum into it while in the microwave. Mind you, I was starving when I cooked this thing and normally would have have just forced it down while chalking it up to another horrible vegan meal, but this went beyond normal the "yuck" eating experience. It was an affront and assault to any normal person's sense of taste and appetite.
How, I wonder, do these things make it past the product-testing stage? Is it possible thinking people tried this garbage and thought it was okay? That it was worth sending through a processing plant and stuffing into boxes and distributing nation-wide to millions of people? That it's something consumers would want to pay $4.99 for? I don't know what's worse - these Not Pockets or that PETA nominated them for Best New Vegan Item of 2013. (Thankfully they lost.) To be fair, Tofurky has made 2 other pocket flavors - I think Broccoli Cheese and BBQ - that might be better than Pepperoni Pizza. But their attempt at imitating the original Hot Pockets classic failed epically, and I hope they don't dare insult vegans like this again.
Moral of the story: As a vegan, you have to be careful. Don't get your hopes too high when you see a packaged food promising to be an exact replica of a non-vegan item that you used to love and are craving. You will be let down way, way, way more than not.
The good news is that vegan foods have come a long way, and for all the horrible muck and garbage out there, these days there's at least one good company or brand proffering something delicious in any food category or sub-category that you seek. If you can't find it in a physical store, then check online. Or look for a way to make it yourself. As a vegan, you have to be willing to explore, experiment, try things out, and refrain from getting too disappointed. Vegan food IS delicious - it just takes some work and effort to find the best options and alternatives.
But whatever you do, don't eat those pockets.
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